boston marriage

here's something i'm serious about

i’m going celibate for a year. i realize i have no respect for myself and my body right now, and what makes me most uneasy about this is i know i don’t deserve it. just this month i’ve driven for an hour to gum at a woman-hating cock for just that reason, and the day before that i had lain naked and drunk against a bed, bleeding from forced penetration and with cats stepping around my thighs. this summer i’ve smoked and drank and swooned until my head felt like dead elastic over people who don’t matter, and i ignore the people who do because they don’t want me for what everyone else does. i’ve kissed strangers because they asked and laughed when people say to show them a trick. i want to focus on making myself a decent person, and get rid of any passivity and aggression and insecurity about things that don’t matter. we sat on the floor of a bookstore and a man walked past, then again and another time and his pants were unzipped, his hard dick was barely hidden in the folds. i wanted to gag, to feel dirty or offended but i shrugged, we laughed. i want to live on a homestead with jars of raw honey and hands red from threshing wheat, bitten at from the small bugs living in tomato plants, and i’m not in a position to be that sort of person. sex is so important but right now all i’m doing is degrading myself and the people who’ll touch me. so! celibate for a year. i was going to cite the horizontal rule, but no lips, hands, or thoughts like worrying or lust.